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Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I’m the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in …  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

Affairs are so painful for couples (I know that’s a huge understatement). The desire to understand and the internal pressure of deciding what to do in the wake of an affair is tremendous. The strain and stress on couples can not be overestimated.

Overall, I think Kirshenbaum’s book is a very good one for couples struggling with an affair. What’s missing from my perspective is the foundation of “secure attachment” (you can read about it in many of my blog postings as it is the basis from which I work). Secure attachment is the antidote or insurance to prevent affairs.

What I find useful in When Good People Have Affairs:

1. Understanding that good people have affairs, and this doesn’t make them bad people.

2. Kirshenbaum’s tone of voice is caring, experienced, and practical.

3. The list of 17 different types of affairs, why they happen, what it means, and how to deal with it (although lack of secure attachment underlies all of the 17 types).

4. How the affair came about and what might need attending to in your relationship.

5. There’s a long section about how to decide which partner (or neither) is right for you (if you dropped your affair like a hot potato when your partner found out, this section may not pertain to your current needs).

6. This book is a great tool for those who need it. If you do need it, please know that your need for self-care and self-soothing is very high right now. Your emotional (limbic) brain is triggered and on “high/overload.”

Practice simple acts of kindness for yourselves:

Drink lots of water (alcohol is a depressant)

Exercise, or at least go for walks

Reach out for support from those you trust

Eat healthy foods

Breathe deeply from your belly

Listen to music

Be in nature

Notice your feelings and bodily sensations

Take breaks from dealing with the affair

Think of things you normally like to do, and do them (even if your heart isn’t in it right now)

Couples do recover from affairs; it’s up to you to work through everything and then decide whether you still want to be with your partner. Seek help if you need it (most affair situations do need help).

Best of luck (and work) to you both.

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